here and then gone...

I have been writing this post in my head a million different times over the last few months until this day arrived, and yet I still have no words.

Today would have been my due date for our second baby...

Not many people know that I was pregnant, or that I even lost a baby.  It's not that I don't want to talk about it, or tell people about it, I just didn't feel like it was something to bring up in conversation unless it needed to be.

I lost my baby on November 20th, 2015.  We were having fun as a family celebrating the beginning of the Christmas season, when it all of a sudden hit.

I felt as if I had failed.  I knew it wasn't anything I did.  I knew it wasn't anything I could prevent from happening.  But I also knew this was something I (and probably my husband) had to go through in this life.  I don't know if this will be the hardest trial I will face in this life, but I know that it has been at this time, and continues to be with each negative test I see.

But I have faith that we will one day be blessed with another baby.  That day, we don't know, but we pray for it each night, and act on our faith to have it each day.  We have faith that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for our little family, and so we act on that faith even though we may not understand why we haven't been blessed with another baby yet.

I write about this today, not to get condolences from people, or to make an event about it, but I do it more for myself.  This is part of me acting on my faith.  This is part of me showing that I know things are out of our control.

I also want people to know that it's a very common thing, and it's ok to talk about it.  It's ok to mourn, and to miss what could've been.  But there is also hope.  That rainbow will come, and life does carry on!

I hope that our day will come sooner than later, but until then I will carry on and have "...a perfect brightness of hope..." (2 Nephi 31:20).